I’ve been thinking a lot about the ways that relationship was so messed up. Just last night I was crying about missing the good things, after being angry about the bad. Now I’m back at the anger. Goddamnit. His last message was that he recognized how he wasn’t treating me right, and all these promises about how he’s going to be better and that all he wants is me back… what the actual hell. If you wanted me around you, why did you treat me like shit? If you loved me so much, why did you not respect me? What the hell is this fucked up mess you call love? Here’s what I wish I said to that last fucking text of his: It’s true, you really did not treat me right. It’s good that you recognize it, and I hope you continue to work on yourself so that you do not treat others in the same way. But my answer is no. You are out of chances, Lawrence. Goodbye.

So much of what happened was textbook emotional abuse. The blame. Oh god, the blame. It never ended. He ordered me around. He called me names. He put me down, on purpose. God fucking damnit. I feel so hurt. How could he treat me like this. How could I let him treat me like this. He did not respect me one bit. And that hurts so much. Every day I’m feeling better that I left that sack of shit. My only regret is not telling him off more about the shit he put me through, and for not leaving him sooner. Not that he would have listened. But he deserved to hear it.

I worry he will pull the same shit with the next woman. I just hope she’s strong enough to leave him earlier than I did. He’s a master manipulator psychopath. I shouldn’t be surprised that he used his tricks on me. He even admitted to it, on our first date. He pretended to be nervous because he could tell that I was nervous? He tried to mirror my disposition so that I would like him more? What the fuck is that. He even said one reason that he was attracted to me was because of my genuineness. I honestly think he was drawn to that, at least partially, because that meant I was easier to read and thus manipulate. Thanks for that, Lawrence. Thank you for taking advantage of that.

Waking up this morning and, well, thinking of you.  I miss you.  I miss holding you,  cuddling you,  touching you. I love the way you held me, I really did. I felt so safe and loved, it was really nice.

I’m imagining myself at a therapists office. I imagine they’d ask me, so why did it end? Well it ended because he didn’t treat me well. It ended because of all the nights spent crying and alone under his anger and criticisms. Which wasn’t every night, but often enough. It ended because he didn’t respect me. He ordered me around and got upset when things didn’t go his way. He got upset for hourrsss, even days. It tended to get better with sleep. But that’s not an excuse. We talked about having kids together. New parents are notorious for the sleep deprivation they go through. How well would that have worked, if he turned into a vitriolic manchild everytime he was fatigued?

Those last few days in his presence were some of the worst our relationship had seen. If I had to rank the top 3 of worst nights together, it would be (in chronological order) the time I told him about the Snapchat, the night before I left for Arizona, and the night I left him for good. Man those were some shitty nights.

Not to mention the night I was dogsitting in Denver and we talked on the phone about the Snapchat ordeal. He called me a bad person. He literally did that. Who the fuck does that? Even if someone literally cheated, you don’t call them a bad person, at least not to their face, because that’s a shitty thing to do. You can call them selfish or whatnot, but a bad person…? That honestly just reflects his childlike view of the world. One “bad” deed makes someone a bad person. Great way to go about life, dude.

I need to think about why I left in the middle of the night. What caused me to make that decision for myself, and tell dani/Christina to hold myself accountable. I need to think about that feeling. I wanted to sleep on the couch that night, because of how shitty that day was and how he was treating me indidnt especially feel like sharing a bed with him. He saw me there on the couch. He asked what I was doing. I said “I want to sleep alone”. He said “if you want to sleep alone, go to greeley. Come sleep with me like a couple.” That wasn’t a plead, that was an order, and maybe a threat. Regardless of how he meant it, I was scared. Was he going to kick me out if I didn’t sleep with him? Was he going to make me drive to greeley at 1am if I didn’t do what he wanted?

So reluctantly I climbed into bed with a man who, in that moment, I hated and was afraid of. I shouldn’t have done that, but I was honestly scared. He proceeded to spill his vitriol. He talked about me sending his audio to my sister, which I admit was ethically questionable, but I felt i needed a second opinion. So much of abuse and relationships in general happens behind closed doors, with only the two privy to what’s going on. I felt I had the opportunity to share a piece of it with someone I trusted.

I maybe should have described it that way. But I told him the reason I did it was because I was I thought he might be gaslighting me, and I wanted a second opinion. When I told him that, he said “If you think I’m gaslighting you, get out.” I get that what I said is not an easy thing to hear from your partner, and feeling accused of something so awful must feel terrible. Yet still, he told me the words “get out”. Words that, in my opinion, should never be said in a relationship. 

I hope I’ll never forget the way he made me feel in that moment. Because I don’t intent to ever feel that way again. I deserve better.

I’ve cried just about every day since the breakup. But I don’t think I’ve cried yet today. I looked at old photos of us… in effort to delete them. But it was really more like me looking at them more than once before mustering up the courage to delete them. But I got rid of most of them. Might be nice to hang onto like a few, just for memory’s sake…  that might be a bad idea but who knows. 

Tonight I’m going to be going out for the first time as a single lady. Looking forward to it, but also nervous. I might need like a few drinks so I won’t be emotional. Who knows.

I just know I still miss him a lot. Looking at those pictures… I know they only highlight the good parts of the relationship and for sure don’t show the many hours I’ve spent crying due to him. They don’t show him putting me down and ignoring me while I cry. So tonight, I think I owe it to myself to let loose and have fun.

Well it’s been a few days since the breakup. I still miss the guy but it’s getting a little easier already. I’ve been trying to not think about the cute things, the things that make him unique, what made us unique. 

Reading his fucking blog is depressing as hell, I should really stop reading it. God.

It’s been hard the last few days. I know I made the right decision. But it’s still hard when you miss being close to someone. The touch, the cuddles, the closeness, the intimacy. Just the feeling of having someone who you love and loves you back. That’s the feeling I’ll miss the most. Of course I will miss him as well. I’ll miss his skin, his face, his hair, his tattoos, his laugh, his voice. I’ll miss his hands, his lips, his kiss, the way he holds me. Held me. I never once doubted his love for me, it was intense, and that’s something I loved about him. I felt safe in his arms. I appreciated his handle on life, how assertive he was. It balanced my crippling anxiety. God I miss him. He gave me his key, told me to keep it. I told him I’d mail it back. Part of me so badly wants to just drive back there, open the door, climb into bed, our bed, and tell him let’s forget everything that’s happened in the last couple weeks.

But it wasn’t just a couple weeks of issues. This has been going on for the majority of our relationship. The put downs, the disrespect, the emotional abuse. I don’t know why he thought of me as someone to put down, to push around. I loved the shit out of him, I still do. Why did he treat me like this. Like a child. I gave my whole heart to him and he repeatedly treated me like shit, and had the audacity to ask me to forgive him and ask for another chance. After I had just given him another chance. So many chances, and he chose to blow them all. Goddamn it lawrence. Thank you for stomping all over my heart. I didn’t even want to be in a relationship, I wanted to move back to California and continue to enjoy my singleness. But you pursued me, courted me, and made me fall in love with you. I stayed in Colorado for you, shithole Greeley for you. Only to take me down a rabbit hole of love and pain. 

I accepted treatment I knew I didn’t deserve. I knew better than that. Goddamn it. I still love you, lawrence. But fuck you for treating me like shit. Work on yourself, work hard. Stay away from women until you can treat them well. And if you ever say the words “fucking bitches” again, may my spirit come to haunt you, you fucking asshole.

Thanks for joining me!

Good company in a journey makes the way seem shorter. — Izaak Walton