Missing you

Waking up this morning and, well, thinking of you.  I miss you.  I miss holding you,  cuddling you,  touching you. I love the way you held me, I really did. I felt so safe and loved, it was really nice.

I’m imagining myself at a therapists office. I imagine they’d ask me, so why did it end? Well it ended because he didn’t treat me well. It ended because of all the nights spent crying and alone under his anger and criticisms. Which wasn’t every night, but often enough. It ended because he didn’t respect me. He ordered me around and got upset when things didn’t go his way. He got upset for hourrsss, even days. It tended to get better with sleep. But that’s not an excuse. We talked about having kids together. New parents are notorious for the sleep deprivation they go through. How well would that have worked, if he turned into a vitriolic manchild everytime he was fatigued?

Those last few days in his presence were some of the worst our relationship had seen. If I had to rank the top 3 of worst nights together, it would be (in chronological order) the time I told him about the Snapchat, the night before I left for Arizona, and the night I left him for good. Man those were some shitty nights.

Not to mention the night I was dogsitting in Denver and we talked on the phone about the Snapchat ordeal. He called me a bad person. He literally did that. Who the fuck does that? Even if someone literally cheated, you don’t call them a bad person, at least not to their face, because that’s a shitty thing to do. You can call them selfish or whatnot, but a bad person…? That honestly just reflects his childlike view of the world. One “bad” deed makes someone a bad person. Great way to go about life, dude.

I need to think about why I left in the middle of the night. What caused me to make that decision for myself, and tell dani/Christina to hold myself accountable. I need to think about that feeling. I wanted to sleep on the couch that night, because of how shitty that day was and how he was treating me indidnt especially feel like sharing a bed with him. He saw me there on the couch. He asked what I was doing. I said “I want to sleep alone”. He said “if you want to sleep alone, go to greeley. Come sleep with me like a couple.” That wasn’t a plead, that was an order, and maybe a threat. Regardless of how he meant it, I was scared. Was he going to kick me out if I didn’t sleep with him? Was he going to make me drive to greeley at 1am if I didn’t do what he wanted?

So reluctantly I climbed into bed with a man who, in that moment, I hated and was afraid of. I shouldn’t have done that, but I was honestly scared. He proceeded to spill his vitriol. He talked about me sending his audio to my sister, which I admit was ethically questionable, but I felt i needed a second opinion. So much of abuse and relationships in general happens behind closed doors, with only the two privy to what’s going on. I felt I had the opportunity to share a piece of it with someone I trusted.

I maybe should have described it that way. But I told him the reason I did it was because I was I thought he might be gaslighting me, and I wanted a second opinion. When I told him that, he said “If you think I’m gaslighting you, get out.” I get that what I said is not an easy thing to hear from your partner, and feeling accused of something so awful must feel terrible. Yet still, he told me the words “get out”. Words that, in my opinion, should never be said in a relationship. 

I hope I’ll never forget the way he made me feel in that moment. Because I don’t intent to ever feel that way again. I deserve better.