Day 1

It’s been hard the last few days. I know I made the right decision. But it’s still hard when you miss being close to someone. The touch, the cuddles, the closeness, the intimacy. Just the feeling of having someone who you love and loves you back. That’s the feeling I’ll miss the most. Of course I will miss him as well. I’ll miss his skin, his face, his hair, his tattoos, his laugh, his voice. I’ll miss his hands, his lips, his kiss, the way he holds me. Held me. I never once doubted his love for me, it was intense, and that’s something I loved about him. I felt safe in his arms. I appreciated his handle on life, how assertive he was. It balanced my crippling anxiety. God I miss him. He gave me his key, told me to keep it. I told him I’d mail it back. Part of me so badly wants to just drive back there, open the door, climb into bed, our bed, and tell him let’s forget everything that’s happened in the last couple weeks.

But it wasn’t just a couple weeks of issues. This has been going on for the majority of our relationship. The put downs, the disrespect, the emotional abuse. I don’t know why he thought of me as someone to put down, to push around. I loved the shit out of him, I still do. Why did he treat me like this. Like a child. I gave my whole heart to him and he repeatedly treated me like shit, and had the audacity to ask me to forgive him and ask for another chance. After I had just given him another chance. So many chances, and he chose to blow them all. Goddamn it lawrence. Thank you for stomping all over my heart. I didn’t even want to be in a relationship, I wanted to move back to California and continue to enjoy my singleness. But you pursued me, courted me, and made me fall in love with you. I stayed in Colorado for you, shithole Greeley for you. Only to take me down a rabbit hole of love and pain. 

I accepted treatment I knew I didn’t deserve. I knew better than that. Goddamn it. I still love you, lawrence. But fuck you for treating me like shit. Work on yourself, work hard. Stay away from women until you can treat them well. And if you ever say the words “fucking bitches” again, may my spirit come to haunt you, you fucking asshole.